You know what, y’all? I have had a revelation. I don’t want to be with a man. Any more of them. It’s not some sort of “I just figured out I’m a lesbian, who knew?! All this time I’ve been living in my body and interacting with people, and wouldn’t you know I just figured out when I like someone” sort of thing, though. I mean I am attracted to men sexually, but then again, I’ve never been exclusively attracted to men anyway. I occasionally even find them tolerant company. But the truth of the matter is, it’s one of my worst nightmares being stuck with one. Because everything I know about what being stuck with a man entails is that at best it’s not that bad and at worse, well you know, he fucking ends you when you fry his eggs wrong one day.
So to clarify, still a bisexual, so seriously, do not leave comments saying how shit bisexuals are or how glad you are that I figured out I’m a lesbian on my page. I am just a bisexual lady who has decided I’d rather date women. I never quite made the logical leap to ask myself if there is any clear reason I date them when I don’t like them that much, and don’t have the misfortune of being exclusively attracted to them, or, as yet, tied to any man on a permanent basis in any way. It was when I was thinking about what a best-case scenario with one would entail that a light bulb kind of went off in my head and I was like “Chatonne, why would you want that anyway? That doesn’t sound that great, really.”
All of this thinking about how a “good” straight relationship could/would even go made me start thinking about Pascal’s wager. Admittedly, that popped into my head because the topic was stressing me out and making me think a lot about hell. This wager basically posits that you should believe in God because if believe in Him and you’re right, you go to heaven. If you believe in Him and you’re wrong, you’ll live a decent life and be a benefit to society. If you don’t believe in him and you’re right, you get nothing for it. If you don’t believe in him and you’re wrong, you will go to hell. The basic problem with this logic, is that it only works out if there are only two options for you, believing and not believing, and there are only two options for the truth of the universe, God is, or God isn’t. This is not the case, because really, there are countless religions, and many consider the truth of their worldviews to be mutually exclusive. That means for you, faith is not an on and off switch. This also discounts the different possibilities for the universe. There isn’t just God or not God, there is god, or goddess, Krishna or Odin, god and goddess, Demeter and Isis, really any combination of gods and goddesses could be or not be. This also doesn’t work out because it’s not really hell, heaven, or neither, it’s hell, heaven, Sheol, Valhalla, Tartarus, nirvana, Hades, reincarnation, vast nothingness, becoming an angel, being reborn as a star, or any number of things.
I thought about how, in a way, relationships are like that two. It’s not man or loneliness. They say that all the time, but it’s not true. There are also communities of friends, women, blissful solitude, polyfidelity, or any countless numbers of other possibilities of ways to live and be happy. That got me to thinking, okay, now that I’ve established that this bet I’ve been asked to make is not rigged nearly as effectively as they say it is, and there are more doors I can pick than the two they said, let’s think about what’s really behind that door. Now that we’ve decided that we don’t have to accept it’s just heaven where you serve or hell where you burn, let’s actually think about how I really feel about the supposed prize I am supposed to be betting and scrambling and hoping for. And I realized that even if everything goes the way I’ve been trained to hope it does, that still isn’t something I really want. I guess the best way to put it, is eternally bowing, scraping, and singing praises sounds as torturous to me as being lit constantly aflame. So why not roll the dice and see what’s behind another door?
I had gotten to where I was willing to kind of stake it out and try to find someone that is tolerable, or maybe find someone sweet, dumb and malleable enough that I could coax them into being tolerable. And then I took a bit more of a logical journey and was like okay, you have found a man you can get along with, where does your relationship go from there, assuming all goes well? Well I thought about how relationships with men always go, and the answer to that question is “eww gross! Why the fuck would I want to do that?!” You “win” a relationship, you get stuck with babies, endless PIV and marriage, which ties all of your legal statuses and assets to him permanently. You “lose” a relationship, and there are endless ways you can be totally fucked. You get this frustrating lose-lose situation, for example, with sex.
Sex with them always must include PIV, and you’re fucked either way you turn that. If you have good sex with them, then you have more of it and you multiply your pregnancy and std risk, that sucks. If you have bad sex with them, you get to fake lots of orgasms, deal with the intense discomfort of having someone fucking you badly, and get to a point that you dread whenever they come near you with that thing which certainly produces psychological discomfort. You also are still running the same pregnancy and STD risks you would be if you actually enjoyed it. If you have no sex with them then you shoot up your rape risk in the event they get pissed with you and decide to just entirely disregard your non-consent. You are also constantly under fire as a result of your reduced relationship security. It’s like Pascal’s wager, sort of. Lose, lose, lose!
I know exactly what is expected of me when it comes to being in a relationship with a man. Not only do I have access to mass media, I’ve also met hundreds of other people in the real world; I know what’s expected. You are expected to get in a relationship where you start out with dating. What dating is, is you go on banal amusements together. Movies, dinner, dancing, that sort of thing. If you’re doing this properly, the man will pay for aforementioned banal amusements. How you will play your part, is you will get all dolled up in your lady drag, you pretend he’s not boring you shitless, and you will let him PIV you. He pays, you look pretty and let him fuck you. If a man has been taught proper manner, he will be quite nice to you during these amusements. He will open your doors, pull out your chairs, compliment your drag, and occasionally drag his eye line up from your breasts so that he can pretend to be interested in your face. Really he should be able to manage to pretend to be interested in your face after you’ve gone and put so much bright sparkly stuff on it, from earrings to eyeshadow and lip gloss. But both of you know what’s going on, he’s performing the perfunctory acts so that he can get your panties off and you can move from phase one of dating, to phase two.
So once you’ve completed phase one, with the banal amusements, you enter phase two. Phase two is basically the transition stage. During phase two, you can occasionally relax your drag efforts, and he will accordingly relax his chivalrous politeness efforts. Basically, you’re laying the groundwork for stage three in which your obligations to the man become permanent. During this stage you meet parents, have a series of “the talks” where monogamy is established and plans for ongoing commitments are established and you start ironing out your expectations from one another. Towards the end of this stage, couples tend to start spending increasing amounts of time indoors, which is quite a contrast to the way that stage one is filled with little outings. This time spent indoors tends to lead rather predictably to a feeling you should head to stage three.
Stage three is where a woman’s obligation to serve a man becomes permanent. The events that lead to stage three can happen in several different sequences, and really it only takes one or two of these events in order to prompt a shift to stage three. To get from stage two to stage three a couple can either move in together, get engaged, or have the better half find herself pregnant. Either of these three things tend to lead to marriage, or a not-legally-recognized facsimile thereof. And what pray tell is marriage? Basically hell, if you happen to be a woman. It’s a patriarchal organization designed specifically to ensure a man a life-long servant. Aforementioned servant will basically be expected to do whatever the man requires of her, the list of duties is infamously mutable. A sample list of job titles that would cover the aforementioned duties is laundress, on-call prostitute, chef, nanny, personal assistant, maid, personal trainer, therapist, nurse, and secretary.
Honestly, that sounds like that sucks; I don’t want to do that. I would like to spend my life with someone, but I can’t imagine wishing to spend my life with someone that would expect me to do all of that for less than free, as I would still probably need to bring a second income into the home, thus creating a situation where I am paying at least half of my income to him and his upkeep for the privilege of providing his upkeep. That sucks, right? And from knowing other women, reading statistics and studies and just watching television and movies it’s clear to me that no matter how diligently I do all of this, I still can’t be expected to be rewarded for all of this with gratitude, consideration, affection (and NO, the obligatory PIV is not by any definition affection) or even emotional support and decent conversation. So you basically date in purgatory, and marry in hell. You know what, I’ve seen what that set of beliefs has to offer me, and I think I’ll take my chances with another faith. I know, I know, they say I’ll burn in hell. But really, their “heaven” sounds pretty shit anyway, right?